I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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