so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
