I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
