My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
