Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
