it wasn't lemon gatorade
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
