apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
