somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
