I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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