his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
