put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
