So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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