My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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