I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
