I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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