I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
