Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
