Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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