he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
