and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
