I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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