i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
