he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
