I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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