My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
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