We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
