I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
