he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
