I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
