You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
