It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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