dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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