Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you never un-have a 4some
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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