I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
