He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
