i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He shit in the fireplace
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
