My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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