My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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