Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
