i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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