I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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