This is not my ceiling
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
