Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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