def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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