I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
