Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
