Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object