Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.