I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
