Someone shit on the floor
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
