I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
