Wow word travels fast.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...