You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD