if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis