You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
