this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize