sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
