Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
