It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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